” Don’t be upset when your partner leaves you for about 3 days to go camp out for a new pair of trainers”
God help the ‘Crepe Widow!’ For the uninitiated, its a term for the suffering significant others of the obsessive sneaker-head. The habits of these unapologetic crepe junkies may range from, performing various Olympic level acrobatic manoeuvres, in order to capture the perfect on foot shot (just search #sneakerhead on instagram) to residing in a home that’s more akin to a Foot Locker stock room, much to the aggravation of their partner. These poor souls join a long line of previous widowers of our era, the ‘Gamer Widow’, the ‘Football Widow’ and the ‘Golf widow’. So now, we sit down with them to gain an insight in to what life with a crepe junkie is really about. Enter Lyra 24 from South London
CJ: How long have you and Dean been together?
Lyra: “Four years this May coming.”
CJ: How did you two meet?
Lyra: “We actually went to school together, he was in the year above me, but he wasn’t interested in me because I was in the year below. And then we met back up at College, and I saw him and I decided I wanted him, and then I made him mine.”
CJ: Was he always into trainers?
Lyra: “Well when we first got together, he’d wear trainers that you didn’t see anyone wearing. He always wore things that no else had. I’ll be honest with you, at the time I did not know the extent of the problem.”
CJ: When did you start to realise there was a problem?
Lyra: “A couple of years ago on his birthday, I saw that he was starting to get a bit of a collection, so I actually bought him two pairs of Jordan’s for his birthday. Eediat woman! I knew he was into them, but it kind of almost felt like it was overnight. He went from having quite a few pairs to now we are considering renting storage space because the house looks like a shoe shop. It pisses me off.”
CJ: How many pairs of trainers has he got?
Lyra: “One hundred and three pairs.”
CJ: Where are they? Is there a room for them?
Lyra: “No they’re in their boxes, wardrobes, on top of wardrobes, they’re in piles next to filing cabinets. He has even taken his clothes out of his wardrobe to fit his trainers inside. They’re in bags. It’s just offensive… It’s actually offensive. “
CJ: So does every room in the house have trainers inside them?
Lyra: “They’re all in the bedroom, its either New Era hats or Nike Boxes.”
CJ: What kind of things did he start doing that made you say this is getting out of hand?
Lyra: “When he started to disappear and then come back saying ‘Oh I’ll be back later’ and later would be the next day. Camping out as well I’d see him wrapping up, finding the camping gear and I’m like ‘Really?’ But I’ll be honest with you, there was a time where I felt like, this was becoming a bit much and I think that’s when I started to get a bit moody and I’d say ‘I don’t want no more trainers in the house’ at that time we were like strangers in passing. I’d come home from work, he’d have a bath, and I’d see him fill up a flask. Then put on loads of layers and then he’s gone again. It was like that for quite a bit. So there is potential for relationship problems if I wasn’t such a cool woman.”
CJ: With the trainers, is there any habits that he has that you find a little bit extreme?
Lyra: “You mean like wrapping them in cling film and doing fool foolishness like that. He has grooming days and they don’t do anything, they’re just sat in a box like ornaments, ORNAMENTS!!! He spends a lot of time in the bedroom with his babies, they’re kind of his first love, I’m like a second-class citizen to the trainers.
CJ: How does he react to your significantly smaller trainer selection?
Lyra: “I bought myself a pair of Timberland’s the other day and he inspected them! I could see him looking round at all of them like proper inspecting them. Another example, the other day I got these old pairs of Nikes from eight years ago that I don’t wear anymore. I said ‘I’m going to do a car boot sale’. He wouldn’t let me do it. I feel like he’s a trainer hoarder… No I’m not even allowing it to happen. I’ve put my foot down now anyway no more, you have to do trade for trade. There’s no more space in this house.
CJ: I’m sure it helps that your quiet chilled out?
Lyra: “You can ask him, I’m so calm, but its like a calm before the storm, because he’s got more shoes than me and you know I’m not even a materialistic person, but its not really right for a man to have more of ANYTHING then his woman. It’s taken over our lives.”
CJ: Has it made you appreciate Trainers at all?
Lyra: “Nope. I like what I like, but I’m not really in to them. All my friends they’ll come here and they’ll say ‘Oh my gosh its sick’ ‘I wish he was my man’. But I have no desire to go into a trainer shop, I have no desire to see anything like that, because I live with it.”
CJ: What would you say are the benefits? Of going out with a Sneaker-head?
Lyra: “I don’t know. If I did really want some trainers, he’d happily go and buy them for me. But other than that, it’s more trouble than it worth for the woman. A girl is lying if she says that there’s loads of advantages to going out with a sneaker-head because at the end of day they go missing, you want to make plans but there’s a release coming out and they’re going to be camping out all of Friday night, because they wont be released until Saturday morning.”
CJ: So what’s your advice to anyone thinking of dating a sneaker-head?
Lyra: “Don’t do it!!! Make sure they’ve got storage… Make sure they’ve got storage to store that shit before it invades your home! Cause’ trainers are like rats in this house.”
Do you have any similar tales of woe? Be sure to email us at firstname.lastname@example.org.